Alaska Conservation Voters
Conservation Watch
             aPRiL FOoL'S eDiTioN

Alaska Conservation Voters
works to protect Alaska's environment through public education and advocacy, and supports pro-conservation candidates for public office.

"If you've got a big, dumb idea, we're the boys who can do it."
---Journalist and historian Dan O'Neill, referring to Alaska's historical willingness to jump on to projects like damming the Yukon River at Rampart or using thermonuclear bombs to carve out a harbor at Point Hope. O'Neill spoke at the Pacific Rim Forum on Thursday at UAS.

tHe aPRiL FOoL'S nEWs

• Walmart Breaks Ground at Narrow Cape
• New Study: Pesticides Good for People, Pets

The REAL News

• Dan O'Neill Highlights Hare-Brained History

In Every Issue

• Bills on the Move
• New Legislation
• Hearing Schedule

Walmart Breaks Ground on New Ultra-Mega-Mondocenter at Narrow Cape

Wasting no time after receiving a land grant from the state, the University of Alaska announced it had sold Narrow Cape, one of its prime parcels, to Walmart developers for $100. Justifying the low sale price, University Regent Seymour Cash explained, "We really needed the money."

The Ultra-Mega-Mondocenter, which will be ten times bigger than a Walmart Supercenter, will be the first of its kind north of Smithers, British Columbia. At the ground-breaking ceremony, University officials and Walmart executives held hands while throwing the first shovel-full of dirt on a berry-picking toddler, whose mother dropped threats to sue after being offered a minimum-wage job as a Walmart Associate.

Narrow Cape, located on the southeast corner of Kodiak Island, has been a haven for bird and whale watchers, berry pickers, beach combers, and recreationists. Walmart spokesperson Ima Paver said these existing uses make Narrow Cape a prime Walmart location."People can buy cheaper buckets to collect berries in and buy their kids new hip-waders all at everyday low, low prices," Paver said in a press conference Friday.

The Ultra-Mega-Mondocenter should be completed by early April 2006, just in time for the tenth annual Whale Fest in Kodiak. Many festival events are scheduled at Narrow Cape, a prime location to watch the annual grey whale migration. Participants will be able to purchase souvenirs and disposable cameras, and pick up snacks at the McDonalds café, which will be built alongside the Old Navy, Best Buy, and Victoria's Secret in the mall portion of the Ultra-Mega-Mondostore.

Some whale watchers are concerned that the Walmart will interfere with the festival and that noise and increased traffic will detract from the natural surroundings and solitude sought by folks who frequent Narrow Cape. Many Kodiak residents are angry at the University and Legislature for passing the land grant (HB 130) in the first place.

University officials, however, disagree, and say that the box store will enhance visitors' experiences at Narrow Cape. "We have always thought of ourselves as responsible stewards to the land," commented University Regent Anita Heart. "This development is just one more example of our commitment to communities and to the environment."

To learn more about the proposed land grant, which is scheduled for a public hearing on Saturday, April 9, visit the ACV Legislation Page. Thanks to Abby Koszarek of the Alaska Center for the Environment for contributing this article.

New Study: Pesticides Good for People, Pets

A new study released by the Farsus Group, Inc. reveals that most pesticides are harmless, maybe even beneficial, to human beings and their pets. The study, completed within an enclosed simulated town on the Farsus Group facility, is a major breakthrough for the pesticides industry, which has long suffered from a dangerous, noxious image.

"People have this notion that just because it's toxic for bugs, that my chemicals are toxic to them!" said Wipe-Out CEO Buzz Saturon. "That's why we hired Farsus to do this study, real scientific like, to prove 'em wrong." Saturon, best known around town for his yellow haz-mat suit, says he hired Farsus to combat popular misconceptions about pesticides. Farsus researcher Emma Lackey says, "Mr. Saturon wanted us to prove that pesticides were non-toxic, like crayons, and our results just happened to match his line of thinking."

Saturon also wants the Farsus results to ensure that HB 19, the Pesticide Right-to-Know bill, does not pass through the Alaska State Senate. The bill recently passed in the House. HB 19, which would give the public adequate advanced notice when pesticides are applied in some public places, is an unnecessary and costly step according to Farsus's completely independent analysis.

Ready to stir up trouble, local Toxics Busters were on hand offering a different opinion of the Farsus results. "The simu-residents all had on protective gear and respiratory devices. How can they claim their pesticides are non-toxic when no one was actually exposed? And there's no wind in the simu-town. So how can they claim there's no pesticides drift?" asked a skeptical onlooker, who was chased away by a shoulder pack pesticides sprayer before he could be identified. Some protesters alleged that Farsus used lemonade instead of pesticides for the ingestion test.

Farsus is a subsidiary of TakOrvr Global. Neither company responded to a request for an interview, but issued this canned statement: "Pesticides make our lawns greener, flowers brighter, and now we know that they make our babies smarter."

To learn more about HB 19 and Pesticide Right-To-Know, visit the ACV Legislation Page. This story was contributed by ACV's Caitlin Higgins.

Dan O'Neill Highlights Hare-Brained History

Alaska history is rich with true stories even more hare-brained than April Fool's Day jokes. Such was the message of the Pacific Rim Forum's keynote speaker Dan O'Neill, the former Fairbanks Daily News-Miner columnist fired in 2002 for exposing a classified scheme to launch Scud-B missiles into the Brooks Range.

During his March 31 lecture at the University of Alaska Southeast, O'Neill plowed through a laundry list of failed Alaskan Big Bad Ideas (capitalized emphasis fully intended.) Most infamous was a 1950s plan to utilize six thermonuclear bombs to carve out a harbor in the Chukchi Sea south of Point Hope. O'Neill gained notoriety and respect as a historian for his book The Firecracker Boys, which exposed Alaskan officials' complicity in the nuke scheme.

Other dumb ideas in Alaska's history included the proposed Rampart Dam on the Yukon river that would have created a reservoir rivaling the Great Lakes, flooding at least six villages. There's also former Governor Wally Hickel's idea to build an undersea pipeline to carry fresh water to California. Another fresh water scheme would have reversed the Chena River's flow, delivering fresh water through a series of canals to the Lower 48.

O'Neill said such ideas show that Alaskan politicians may be "salivating so much over federal dollars, they've dehydrated their brains."

He also took a few well-researched stabs against the University of Alaska (UA) itself, a bold move considering a UA campus was hosting the Forum. O'Neill highlighted the Geophysical Institute's (GI) record of misleading the public about its rocket launch activities, and failures, at Poker Flat Research Range. Despite GI officials' claims that the odds of a rocket disaster are one in a million, O'Neill said that roughly 10% of the Poker Flat rockets fail, some crashing in peoples' yards, and one wreck landing on the Steese Highway.

It was the writer's exposure of the secret military Scud-B missile scheme, however, that cost O'Neill his News-Miner column. Through a leaked copy of the classified environmental report, O'Neill discovered that the GI, in conjunction with the military, planned to launch 20 Scuds into the Brooks Range. Each would have carried 6400 lbs of inhibited red fuming nitric acid (IRFNA), 820 gallons of which would have remained uncombusted when the rockets hit tundra. IRFNA explodes in contact with water, spontaneously combusts in contact with air, causes severe burns on human skin, and has been linked to Gulf War Syndrome. Fortunately for the public, the military and GI scrapped the Scud project after O'Neill exposed it.

Alaska's elected officials are still coming up with Big Bad Ideas like the Juneau Excess Road, Gravina Island Bridge (Ketchikan), Knik Arm Crossing, and Murkowski Road to Mars.

To read some of Dan O'Neills News-Miner columns, visit the homepage of No Nukes North.

Bills on the Move

---HB 75, which would allow the Fish and Game Commissioner to promote hunting, fishing, and trapping, has passed both of its committee referrals in the House. Finance substantially weakened the bill, which is good news for wildlife advocates concerned that non-consumptive uses of fish and game remain protected. For more on HB 75, see CW-10.

---The House Finance Committee has scheduled a hearing specifically devoted to the University Land Grant bill HB 130. They will take public testimony beginning at 11:00 am on Saturday, April 9. The meeting will be teleconferenced. To learn more about the land grant, visit the ACV Legislation Page.

New Legislation

HB 234 Oil & Gas Royalty Interest Rate - House Special Committee on Oil & Gas
This bill would substantially lower the interest rate that oil & gas companies pay the state when their royalties are past due. It has been scheduled for a hearing on Thursday (see schedule below).

Hearings this Week

Click on the date in the table below to get the most current schedule information for that day, or check the BASIS hearing schedule. Once a bill has been heard in a particular committee it may be brought up again without public notice or listing on the weekly committee schedule. You can click on a committee name to see a list of its members.